Early Sunday morning I drag myself out of bed and stumble toward the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet I rest my face in my hands, massage my aching temples and rate my night’s sleep. Headaches and the need to pee wake me these days. I remember a time when I woke up feeling good, excited about what the new day would bring. Now the morning light challenges me to be grateful for the day and its lessons before it has even begun. I repeat my Bhavana three times, I am peaceful, I am present, I accept what is. I am peaceful, I am present, I accept what is. I am peaceful, I am present, I accept what is. I contemplate crawling back into bed and decide instead to clean my downstairs closet before I head out to play soccer. I shuffle to the sink, brush my teeth and stare bleary-eyed into my bathroom mirror. I say to my ratty haired reflection . . . it’s a beautiful day . . . be happy. I make my way to my dresser. Still sleepy I lay my folded arms on its polished surface. My chin pressed in the crook of my arm I stare at my dream board and my list of affirmations. I read them aloud and then silently. I concentrate on the pictures, my words, my dreams. And I wonder . . . when do the words become my life, my heart, my true path?
As I clean the closet, lugging half-filled paint cans, chips of wood, and odds and ends to my garage, sweeping and organizing, I ruminate and reflect on my words, my pictures. I feel stuck. Six months of purposeful and positive change, and on this morning I cannot see the light. In these doubtful moments old behaviors beg to make an appearance, tempting me to make a phone call I will regret, send a text that begs attention, or write a love note to an unwilling heart. Nope. I will not falter. I tell myself it’s just a bump in the road, stay the course, do not yield to the nagging of your old self, resist her and have faith in who you are today and the path you have chosen.
In many ways I am the same person I have always been; smart, funny and loyal with a kind and generous heart. Of course these qualities I want to cultivate and continue to grow. What I discovered on this journey is that I was missing important qualities, qualities required to effect change and shape my future; self-love, self-respect, self-worth, forgiveness of self, and acceptance of self. Damn . . . . I was missing my “self”. . . . Up until now, I had not considered my value, what I needed and deserved, or the possibility that I was good enough and worthy of love, as-is. Instead, I chased love, trying to convince others to love me, and accepting crumbs because I didn’t believe I deserved the whole cake.
When I get the awful urge to do something stupid, perhaps revert to an old habit, I play out the entire scenario in my head. I make a mental check of my affirmations and I visualize the life I planned, the life I deserve. I no longer act on an emotional impulse. Instead, I cautiously and carefully consider my “self” as I have made a promise to protect her, to love her and hold her in highest esteem.
I am not perfect. I doubt myself every day. I know there are mistakes in my future. And yes, occasionally, I do feel stuck. But I know it’s temporary. . . .
These are my words; this is my life, my heart and my true path.