A Change of Heart . . .

The coffee shop empties as the morning shift locals make their exit, and the noise level quiets to a low hum. Staring into space, I absentmindedly click the end of my pen against my chin. I’m searching my brain’s thesaurus for an adjective to describe a snort, the laughing kind. Loud comes to mind, but it’s not quite right. Sudden or unexpected might work.
My concentration breaks when a twenty-something couple catch my eye. They playfully lean into one another as they shuffle in flip-flops toward the door. The young woman makes an abrupt one-eighty to face her boyfriend, causing him to stumble into her. Teetering a bit, she still manages an intended kiss. Not quite on his mouth, but near enough. He grins, pulls her close, and plants a solid kiss on her lips. Caught up in this sweet show of affection, I remember how good it felt to be in love. I sip my mocha, and smile.
To say I am a hopeless romantic would be an understatement. I have put my faith in impossible love stories and improbable partners. I have experienced disillusion and disappointment, and still believed a happy ending was right around the corner. And then, a few years ago, just as I was making that final turn, my heart was ambushed. I was back to where I started, single. I haven’t been in a relationship since.
At first, I tried to embrace my single status. But, it wasn’t any fun. I whined about the lack of quality men my age. I cursed dating apps and our culture’s obsession with youth and beauty. I feared growing old, alone, and I envied couples. They had everything I wanted, a reliable dinner date, a partner in adventure, a travel mate, a best friend to laugh, and grieve with. I wanted the practical perks too. I needed someone to rub lotion on my back, or help pull my ‘too tight’, sweaty sports bra over my head, OR, just open a jar!
Sharing funny anecdotes about single life in middle age added a little levity to the topic, and made my friends laugh. But in reality, I was hiding behind humor. Take away the jokes, and I was still complaining, counting grievances, and creating negative energy. So, I pushed dating to the back burner. I stopped chasing love. These days, I focus on my relationships with family, and good friends, I have strengthened bonds, and in some cases made repairs. I help people who need my time, or a listening ear. I don’t wait for love anymore, I make it happen, in all kinds of ways.
This morning, it was the young couple who made me feel love, But, it could have been anyone; the elderly man who helps his disabled daughter order her special coffee drink, or the barista who gives a homeless man a large cup of ice water, and a snack. These are the stories that put romantic love in perspective. Sure, I remember being in love . . . the simple joy of knowing that a person is my person. It is truly something. But, it’s not everything.
For the second time today, I search my brain’s thesaurus for an adjective to describe the current state of my heart. I settle on Transformed. It fits. One’s heart is a reflection of one’s journey.
Xo

24 Responses to “A Change of Heart . . .”
I loved this and it was a great perspective about looking for love in many different places and the wisdom of appreciation
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Mardell. 💕💕 Means a lot to me 💕
LikeLike
Nice to see you’re writing again 🙏
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you 💕
LikeLike
Loved this sis! I love the way you look at things. Just wondering if the loud laugh snort was me…ha ha ha! xo
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think it might be all of us 😂 Thank you 😘😘
LikeLike
Christine this beautiful piece is so spot on, thanks for sharing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Margo 😘😘
LikeLike
I so feel what you’re saying, I am in the same boat. Just looking for a 2nd mate and some wind.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve missed your perspective. So happy you’re back❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you 😘😘
LikeLike
Perfectly put!! Looking for love in all things is love!!
>
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thx for reading 😘😘😘
LikeLike
After reading this, I search my brain for one word and I’ve landed on… relatable.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love that! Thx for reading 💙💙
LikeLike
Hi! I hope this email finds you well. I have been reading your musings for quite awhile and have been very impressed. That being said the piece “Change of Heart” is by far your best work. Writing from the heart intertwined with your your own past, getting your story out there, definitely works for you as I’m sure it does for many men and women. Your recent writing touched home with me in many different ways. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone on an island. Keep it up Christine. You have one major fan sitting in Mission Viejo.
Ken
Sent from my iPhone
>
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Ken for the thoughtful words. I write to work things out in my head and in my heart. When my words resonate with others that’s the icing on the cake. It’s always comforting to know we’re not out here on our own. 💕 Hope you are well.
LikeLike
I love love love your writing! 💕 Relating to your story while sitting alone in a coffee shop in Roswell Georgia … just no couple in flip flops.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wish I was sitting with you 💕😊 thx for reading and leaving a comment. I love hearing how people relate. 💕
LikeLike
So grateful to call you a friend. I cannot remember a time when watching people was not part of my life. Each gesture is an invitation for narrative.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel the same Lynda – you have inspired me in many ways 💕
And yes – stories are everywhere – even if just written in our minds 💕
LikeLike
Always love to read anything and everything you write! You’re such a talented writer and I enjoy your beautiful perspective on life and everything that entails…..you’re a beautiful soul!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for your kind words 💕💕 And thank you for being a faithful following. Best to you and the family 😊💕
LikeLike
Hello from Pennsylvania USA. I enjoyed your essay. Love and caring are among the things that truly matter. Neil S.
LikeLike