exploring life and love with pictures and words

Was it worth it? . . .

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Scrolling Instagram, I pause on a photograph, a couple whose world travels I follow. I skim the short summary of their current journey and a zillion hashtags. Two simple questions posed catch my eye, and then my thoughts. “What was the greatest risk you have taken so far? Was it worth it?” Without hesitation I answer the first question in my head . . .  to LOVE, without a doubt to love someone, anyone, has been the biggest risk of all. 

In my younger days, I dove into love head first. A teenage marriage, followed by teenage motherhood. Not once did I consider the possibilities of love lost, love rejected, or my love challenged by life experiences, determined to knock me down . Love was pure and simple bliss. 

It wasn’t until I broke a heart, and two little hearts, that I witnessed the pain of love lost. Someone loved me, counted on my love, forever. I didn’t have forever in me. Only in hindsight could I see the risk we had taken. Statistically we were not meant to last, and I made sure of it. 

In the twenty-five years that followed I experienced the heartache of being left behind, more than a few times. I decided that love was for the lucky ones,  or people who deserved it, not me.

Turns out, I was wrong. Love was for those who were willing to be vulnerable, to share the secrets of their hearts, to take a risk.  I was sure vulnerability would weaken the wall I had built around my heart.  In fact, that was exactly what needed to happen. As soon as I acknowledged all of the love that already existed in my life, my hard shell began to crack, eventually, little by little, the wall fell away.

Since then, I have taken the risk to love many times; love in hope of mending a relationship, and love in hope of creating something bigger, a shared life. I’ve been afraid, but took the risk anyway. And in every case, regardless of the outcome,  I survived, with no less love in my heart.   

I still think love is risky business, and it still scares me every damn time. Is it worth it? . . . 

YES, every damn time. 

Quitting my job, selling my crap, and traveling all over Italy, that was easy  . . . 🙂

Xoc

6 Responses to “Was it worth it? . . .”

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