exploring life and love with pictures and words

Finding hope in rock bottom . . .

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I walk into the first grade classroom of my newest teacher, her first year.  A black line drawing of a turtle, its shell a patchwork of random designs and doodles, is projected on the large screen. Excited and smiling, she skips toward me and beams; It’s a directed art lesson. Across the classroom every desk top is covered with large white art paper. Each sheet an interpretation, every child’s personality reflected in freehand design. Small tight curlicues, large circles and patterned squiggles, tiny turtles drawn hugging the bottom edge of the page and large bold turtles filling the paper, corner to corner. As I crouch between the desks, commenting on their little masterpieces, I am peppered with requests, look at mine, did you see my turtle, do you like it?, I’m an artist too. I happily and sincerely shower them with praise. They smile knowing I am impressed by their creative work.

Classrooms have always been my sanctuary. As a student I excelled, and felt my true self in the company of my teachers and classmates. Teaching I escaped the stress of raising teenagers as a single mother, finding solace among my loving second graders, always a willing audience. And now, a principal exhausted by the work leading up to school opening coupled with my son’s addiction spiraling out of control, more than ever I yearn for the consistency and comfort of the classroom, and the promise of those little faces.

Wandering between tables  I pause. A little boy looks up at me and asks, how about mine, do you like mine? I smile, it’s fantastic. Full of pride he explains his design choices, tracing them with his finger, his voice trails. I notice the name tag taped to his desk, only the last four letters exposed, but they are distinct. You have the same name as my son. He laughs and says, I didn’t know that, as if we are old friends and this is a little fact he should have known about me. Where is he?, he asks. My throat tightens as the lump grows, I successfully hold back tears and say, he’s a grown up. He lives away from me and doesn’t go to school anymore. Satisfied with my answer, he begins chatting with his table mates.  I move his pencil box to reveal his full name, beautifully written in perfect teacher print, I say it out loud.

Lost in my thoughts, I imagine my blonde headed boy sitting right here. Inattentive and impulsive, completely missing the directions of the lesson. Still, he would have created something beautifully different, something I would have loved and proudly posted with a magnet, adding to the refrigerator gallery. My boy was smart, but never loved the work of school. He loved art and friendship and belonging.

Before my emotions get the best of me, I quietly wave to the teacher and slip away. The last twenty four hours have taken a significant toll on my heart. I recount the last few days, still surreal . . .  I receive a call at work, my neighbor hysterical as she describes police surrounding my son, guns drawn, he is arrested. He calls me, begging me to post bail. He is crying and I am crying. I close my office door, please mom, I am your son, please don’t leave me here, I won’t make it, I’ll lose my mind, mom please listen to me, I swear I am going to rehab tomorrow, I have a plan, why does bad stuff always happen to me, don’t hang up mom, please, please I’m begging you, listen to me, please help me, I promise to never ask you for another thing. I mean it this time, I have to go to rehab. I have to, please help me mom.

I cannot seem to say the word no. But I don’t say yes either. Instead I tell him I cannot make any promises, he has lied too many times, the help I have given has only hurt him, delayed his recovery. He wails and begs one last time. I tell him I love him and end the call. Sitting at my desk, eyes swollen and red, his cries play over in my head, so childlike, a boy who needs his mom . . .

He calls me two more times, but I do not answer. I cannot bear to hear him cry, and I cannot say what he so desperately wants to hear.  I will not rescue him. It’s up to him now.

I walk toward another row of classrooms, looking for peace once more. As I enter, children lift their heads, look my way, and smile. Some get up and hug me, and others call me over to look at their work.

In spite of everything, I am still hopeful.  My boy will make art again, he will know the love of family and friends, he will remember how much he loved belonging . . . and he’ll wonder why it took him so long to come home.

Xoc

Ps BIG love and gratitude to my friends and family. You are my strength. I love you all.

31 Responses to “Finding hope in rock bottom . . .”

  1. Laura O'Leary

    Such a beautiful post. I know I will be thinking about this post for days to come. My heart aches for you and you are definitely in my prayers!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  2. platosgroove

    Much love. If you need a conversation let me know. That’s what I do. Your friend, Plato.

    The videos I’ve been posting are me teaching at a 90 day men’s rehab. Maybe they could help somehow. I know the pain and I know the hope. Beauty will emerge from the chaos. Kiss.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  3. Caryn

    Hi Christine, I was just thinking of you on the first day of school. You are always close to my heart. Loving our kids through this awful difficult stuff is the hardest! I hope he has found the bottom, so he can begin to ascend. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  4. Spanglish Jill

    So powerful. My boys are little. I imagined having the phone call with one of my boys and wow! Takes a lot of strength to not be the rescuer.
    Much love to you xx

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  5. Briana

    I saved the art he made for me years ago. I had no idea this was going on. We lost touch long ago. I met you when we stopped by your house one evening when I was dating him. This makes me so sad.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  6. amommasview

    It must be so unbelievable hard to stick to your ground. I agree with you, he needs to do it. It’s up to him. I wish you heaps of energy to stick to your grounds, lots of support and open arms from the people you have in your life and that your son finds his way. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  7. nombre de la pluma

    In my imagination I went back to my first grade class. I was so hopeful and full of dreams and potential then. Your hand was on my shoulder, admiring my crayon picture. I love you too, and hope your strength and resolve encourages your son to take advantage of an opportunity to make better decisions in the future.

    I can understand addiction though, and it’s a deathgrip at worst, and at best a hard pull stronger than a magnet. Sometimes we have to fight, and sometimes we have to encourage others to fight for themselves, and stand cheering and holding their water bottle in their corner of the boxing ring.

    That boy in first grade with the funny looking haircut and second-hand clothes, and the awkward Forrest Gump style leg braces just smiled, stood up, thanked you, and hugged the crap out of you.

    Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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