I wanted to title this post I’m sick of being grateful. . . or . . . The Universe is stupid. If you follow my blog you know that this month I’m highlighting gratitude, acknowledging life’s little gifts and giving thanks. It’s been a good exercise for me, adding positivity and happiness one day at a time. But recent days have been full of sad news and I’m a little bit pissed at the Universe. I know, I know life is not fair, but this week I wanted it to be a little bit more gentle. The passing of a dear family friend, the news of a little baby diagnosed with a terminal illness as I comforted his sobbing grandmother, and looming holiday melancholy, had me a little rattled and I think I’m falling off the gratitude wagon. When it rains, does it really have to pour?

Driving home tonight, stuck in traffic, I composed my post in my head, reflecting on the yucky week and wishing I could change the world for people I love, relieve them of hurt, pain.  I remembered that when I was a little girl I had a single prayer,  Dear God, please don’t let anyone in my family or any of my friends get sick or die. It was simple, got the job done and best of all . . . it really worked, no one I loved got sick or died. I was a believer.

There is so much to say about those decades between the faithful little girl and the non believer she became, mostly life choices taking their toll. As I inched along, staring at the red taillights of Friday night traffic, I remembered a time when I told a friend that I decided the outcomes of my life, I was in charge. The thought of that now is laughable. I have learned that the only thing I can control is how I react to life’s happenings, the good, the bad, the happy and sad.  I can choose to be pissed off at the Universe or accept what is, find the lesson, or even find reason to celebrate.

Today, I can say that I do believe in something, a light, an eternal peace. When I hope, pray, or seek serenity, it’s a woman who is listening. And when I imagine her she looks like my mom . . . with clear blue eyes and long silver hair, she is calm, peaceful. I talk to her mostly about love and family. I believe in the energy of the Universe and that some how there is a reason for everything. I am not meant to understand how it works. As much as I want to be, I am not in charge. I cannot save the people I love from pain and suffering. I can only love them, and that I do well.

I’m climbing back on the wagon . . .  still grateful . . . .

xo